Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
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Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic