Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
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My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”