I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT