Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
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Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.