Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.