@trevso_electric: Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
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@catstronomical: Him: don't say anything embarrassing Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
@drankturpentine: JOB INTERVIEWER: says you’re biggest weakness is typos? ME: actually that should say tide pods
@TheAlexP: [At bar] *all sweaty after doing the worm* Me: *out of breath* see anything you like? Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
@murrman5: [at divorce lawyer] bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen "he didn't" he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you