Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
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What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Just so funny
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.