Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Banking tips
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Nomnomnomnom
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.