Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
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Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Previously On Persistence 😎
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.