Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I have questions??
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
i think we should see other cousins
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies