@hythemafia: Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

@krissywillbretz: [god creating raccoons] Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands? God: hand me those cats.

@andytwined: I'm the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

@John_Quaintance: There's no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

@bdbdleeroybrown: Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.