How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.