Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
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During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.