Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.