Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
*puts words between two asterisks*
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.