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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I’ve been learning to cook.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.