Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Camping tip: No.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village