Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
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If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
🤣✨#caturday
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.