Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.