Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
i will not be silenced
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.