@garrettbarry70: Staying at my daughter's place again this weekend. Can't wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there's a moth in my room.

@PortRooster: Buddy of mine dropped some acid... Burnt a hole in the floor... He was tripping for days!

@TheTweetOfGod: If you're going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it's moving.

@drankturpentine: ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night's rest* WELLUMINATI: I'm feeling much better

@TheMichaelRock: HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid? Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid. HR... Me: There's no past tense with that one.