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Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Facebook memories be like
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.