Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
A completely valid reaction tbh
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans