@TOMayorFord: Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
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@RandomManik: I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, "Chivalry is Dead". I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know. He wasn't even trending on Twitter".
@TheTweetOfGod: "Scientology" is a combination of "scient-," meaning "science," and "-ology," meaning "science." And it just gets stupider from there.
@socarolinesays: I used to think I'd never be able to be president because I'm a woman but now I know it's because I don't like drinking water