Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
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Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Previously On Persistence 😎
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Cardio Made Easy
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.