Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
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Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate