DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
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Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.