DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
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Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure