If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
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on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”