I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
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Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds