dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
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Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
#inspiration #foodforthought
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I’d use my best pan on you.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.