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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”