Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
You Might Also Like
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Which wines pair best with gloating?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*