Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
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Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.