give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie