Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
You Might Also Like
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Rambo Rambow
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
#NeverForget
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.