I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
is this store having a stroke wtf
Google Pay be like:
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.