*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
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[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back