Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!