[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Can. I. Help. You.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.