[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
shampoo implies shampee
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Catering service
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁