Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
my professor scared me for a second
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty