Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub