Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My neck, my back, my…
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”