“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.