Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.