Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
wishing you and yours all the best
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.