My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
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4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Probably my best painting.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of