baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
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*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
B
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement