the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
You Might Also Like
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we鈥檙e avoiding at the grocery store
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I feel this so hard
[deparment store]
Employee: ma鈥檃m, i鈥檓 sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
*stepping on the moon鈥檚 surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
detective: this鈥檒l make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
6: Dad, what鈥檚 the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
馃ぃ
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Just so funny
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid鈥檚 bedroom
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can鈥檛 get her Viagra.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish