Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
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My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?