[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
You Might Also Like
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
When you’ve simply given up.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.